DM | Thomas Koch | https://twitter.com/ThomasAKoch
UZO | Warren Reid | https://twitter.com/urbanmasque
REMY the Fox | Beau C. Williams | https://twitter.com/Beau_C_Williams
ANDRASTE | Tiana Hanson | https://twitter.com/Vana1895
RUKUS | Aaron Acosta | https://twitter.com/AaronThatDay
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Episode 17 – Into Darkness
The Foxy Irregulars need rest after their incredibly long day but there’s still business to attend to. First up is Rukus who tells Barnibus he wants something in addition to their 10% finder’s fee. The investigator guesses it’s Hrabbaz’s head. Rukus says “ding ding ding” and boops his nose. Barnibus promises to get the head taxidermied and his tusk turned into a necklace. He also gives them the 1500 gold they’re owed from previous exploits but says their audience with Laeral Silverhand has been canceled. After all that’s happened she doesn’t want to associate with them. Remy Blames Rukus. Andraste agrees.
Barnibus promises to meet them at the tavern at 4:00 in the morning so they can go looking for the Vault of Dragons. Andraste begs to go back to the tavern to sleep but Uzo wants some new armor first. As they leave the precinct they see a carriage go by emitting some sort of cold steam labeled “The Immaculate Guild of Octopeers”.
They return to the shop where they previously bought their silvered weapons. It still doesn’t have a name and the owner still barely remembers Uzo’s. Remy tries to turn in his saber for the promised reimbursement, but his documentation is for “The Sword of Remy the Fox”. After picking a fight with a carriage it’s now only “The Hilt of Remy the Fox”.
Remy also asks about some sort of armor and the shopkeep shows them Leather Armor of the Octopeers that automatically sizes to the wearer. It attunes quickly but can never come off. Remy doesn’t want it but Uzo is enthralled. He rubs it gently and the armor springs onto him, wrapping itself around his body. He pays the 25 gold for it and Rukus entertains himself pulling at the leather that springs back like elastic. Too late, Uzo wonders if he’s proficient in leather armor and is terrified he won’t be able to cast spells. The team names it the “Armor of Karma” or “Karmor”.
Andraste asks the shopkeep to identify the potions they found in the crypt. It turns out they’re Potions of Continuous Heal from the Legendary Order of the Immortals. They heal every round during combat but the specifics are lost to time. They have to be thousands of years old, so the shopkeep offers 1000 gold for each of them and the same price for the ancient wooden box the team found them in. Remy keeps the box to store his herb. After an inordinate time spent haggling and negotiating, Uzo trades his potion for the bracers of defense so the shopkeep can try to replicate it. If successful, the tavern will receive 20% of all profits made from the new ones.
Before they leave, Uzo is relieved to realize he can still cast spells while wearing the leather armor. He asks how his butt looks in it. Remy says that it’s all he can ever see at his height so it looks fine.
Rukus wants to go to Steam and Steel to look for a new flamberge but Andraste convinces them to call it a night. When they arrive at the tavern they find all of Uzo’s homeless friends huddled in a corner of the bar trapped by furniture. Uzo demands to know what happened since he made sure to introduce all of them to Leif. The ghost draws a picture of steaming feces on his chalkboard. Randall points a finger at one of the other homeless named, appropriately, Dave. Remy gets Leif to let them all out so they can return to their windmill, but only after he shows Dave how to use a toilet. He says the next time they visit there’s to be no pooping in buckets.
The team finally goes to bed. When Andraste wakes fully rested four hours later, she turns back over and goes back to sleep.
Remy suddenly wakes up with a pain in his head and a bad feeling about the Stone of Golorr. He realizes he can’t remember where he put it or even anything about it. He doesn’t know where the vault is. He hears footsteps in the hall and he chases after them, drawing his rapier and yelling to the others to wake up.
When he gets to the taproom he sees two spined devils and a well-dressed nobleman with fancier pants than Rukus. He attacks one of the devils and yells to Leif to lock the doors. Leif throws a table in the way, trapping everyone in.
The nobleman is Victoro Cassalanter. He casts some sort of “dark butholy energy,” and tries to banish Remy to another plane. Luckily Remy’s charisma and force of will lets him resist the effects.
Andraste appears at this point and steals Remy’s kill by cutting off the head of the injured devil. The head lands on a table like a candlestick just as Rukus arrives. He had taken his armor off to sleep and is just wearing a onesie with an open buttflap. He goes to hit the devil’s head with his sword to send it flying, but it disappears just in time. Angry at this and Cassalanter’s superior fancy pants, he ignores the fact he’s in a wooden building and hurls a firebolt at the noble’s legs.
Uzo makes it downstairs in time to see the new Lord Fancy Pants. He asks Remy where the stone is but the halfling can’t answer. Uzo shoots Cassalanter with an eldritch Blast but the noble counters by summoning three mirror images of himself. Leif throws another table. Andraste follows Rukus’s example and conjures a flaming sphere inside the tavern. Rukus sees the stone on the ground and picks it up. Since his only pocket is his onesie’s open buttflap, he cradles the stone like a baby behind his shield instead.
The battle is now on in full. Cassalanter pulls more darkness to him, this time carefully wording it as “dark but angry holy energy”. He cries the divine word “Asmodeus.” Andraste, Rukus, and Remy are instantly blinded and deafened. R&R are also stunned, leaving only Uzo fully capable. Cassalanter walks forward to take the stone from Rukus, but the fighter has been stunned into a rigormortis-like death grip.
Andraste uses one of the charges on her necklace to restore her sight just as there’s a banging on the door. Leif opens it and Barnibus and Saeth arrive. Barnibus is a powerful wizard, but he’s a trained investigator and nearly useless in a fight. All he can do is capture Cassalanter in a golden force bubble that nothing can get in or out of. Given a moment of respite, Andraste manages to pry the stone away from Rukus and runs upstairs, taking it out of play.
While Rukus and Remy try to murmur jokes at each other with their stunned/blinded/deafened bodies, Uzo picks up the weightless bubble and puts it down on top of Andraste’s flaming sphere. This way when Cassalanter breaks out he’ll be on fire. It’s just in time because the noble polymorphs himself into an enormous treant, breaking the bubble. The whole tavern shakes and Cassalanter turns his attention to Barnibus, the most important person in the room. All Barnibus can do is shield himself and send a magical message, hopefully for help.
Uzo tries to get the treant’s attention and Andraste reappears, having hidden the stone upstairs. She throws three scorching rays that do incredible damage to the treant and light it on fire. It tries to break through the wall of the tavern to escape, but the two fearless casters pepper it with more spells until Cassalanter finally dispells his polymorph and curses that he should have turned into a cloud giant. A flammable treant was no match for a light domain cleric of Lliira. He opens a dimension door and disappears.
The battle over, Andraste runs back upstairs to get the stone. She hugs it to her chest as they wait for Remy and Rukus to become functional. Uzo gets a beer from the luckily undamaged kegs. He walks up to the stunned Remy and slaps him in the face. Andraste tells him it won’t work, to which Uzo replies “I know. I just enjoy doing it.”
After 10 minutes Barnibus returns with a full retinue of soldiers. Uzo tries to call him out for being useless in a fight, but Andraste tells him to shut up. With all the damage to the tavern, she realizes they actually won. Barnibus was witness to Cassalanter’s attack and attempted theft of the stone. Victoro Cassalanter’s life as a Waterdhavian noble is over. Laeral Silverhand will deal with him personally.
As the hour passes, several things happen at once. Andraste becomes attuned to the Stone of Golorr and instantly knows everything about the tower in the Sea Ward and the vault. At the same instant, Remy and Rukus come out of their magical bindings. Rukus falls over. Remy looks at the damage to the tavern and laments. Uzo weaves a tale of how Baga and Kuma turned into giant animals and fought a treant. Andraste tells him to shut up and explains they fought it off with fire. Remy sees the scorch marks around the bulging hole in the wall and exclaims in piratical fashion “What did you do to my tavern?!”
Andraste realizes Rukus is almost dead and nearly naked with his derriere hanging out. “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re bleeding” she says. He replies, “profusely” and she heals him. She looks at Uzo and realizes he must be untouched because otherwise he’d be whining about a papercut. The four look around the tatters of their tavern and wonder how they’re going to fix everything in time for tonight’s grand opening.